


Keeping Up Appearances

by romanticalgirl



Category: American (US) Actor RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Developing Relationship, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2019-02-05 03:01:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12785532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: Chris wants people to see him. He wants Sebastian to see him. But he's afraid of what he might find if he does.





	Keeping Up Appearances

This is a bad idea. 

Chris knows it’s a bad idea, because it’s been a bad idea every time he’s done it. Because every time he does it, he wants it a little bit more, and he knows it’s something he can’t have. It’s not sustainable. It’s an explosion waiting to happen and an implosion that might destroy him. Not that he’d let it show. 

Chris is an expert at not letting it show. That’s how good of an actor he is. People always believe everything’s written across his face. Always believe that the laughter and the jokes and the sheer joy is real, not a cover for the fact that he’s nervous and scared and wary of how people look at him.

Except for this. This he knows he doesn't hide well at all. At least from Sebastian. Of course, he knows Sebastian only sees the surface. The want. The need. He doesn’t see the small thing that curls in Chris’s chest, tighter and tighter until it’s just a hard knot that will choke him one day. 

He knocks and Sebastian opens the door. He frowns almost immediately then steps back, wordlessly inviting Chris in. “Didn’t know you were in New York.”

“Another wedding. All my high school friends.” He shrugs, like it doesn’t matter. He shrugs, like it might be his life someday. Like there’s someone out there who sees Chris Evans and not _Chris Evans_. “Thought I’d stop by and say hi. But if you’re busy…”

Sebastian’s busy. Sebastian’s got cache now. Award winning. Sebastian can pull off the roles that no one believes Chris can anymore. “I’m not busy.”

The pile of scripts on the table puts lie to that. Chris gives him a smile that most people would believe is real. “Bullshit. You’re in demand these days. I’ll get out of your hair. Just didn’t want you to think I came through town and didn’t make an effort.”

“Chris.”

He shakes his head. “Don’t. It was stupid. I should have called. Just called and told you and let you decide. I’m always trying to decide for you. Jesus, I’m such a dumbshit.” He’s close to the door. All he has to do is turn the handle and leave. Sebastian won’t follow him. “Great job, by the way. On _I, Tonya_. You deserve the accolades. But no one who knows you is surprised by it.”

He twists the knob and manages a smile. Sebastian opens his mouth, but Chris shakes his head and steps back into the hall.

“I’ll see you around.”

**

He won’t, is the thing. And it’s for the best. Chris is done with Marvel, and Sebastian’s got four more movies on his contract. They move in different circles. Jesus, he’s maudlin. 

His next movie has a small premiere simply because of who he is, and it’s worth it just to get the word out there. He likes that he has the freedom to do small projects he believes in. He likes that he can not give a shit about what people think of him. He does, of course. Give a shit. Which is why he still works the circuit, gives the right interviews.

He starts seeing Jenny again and then stops for all the same reasons they broke up the last time. They stay friends, which is nice, and he doesn’t have to pretend to be hurt when she moves on right after. He knows it’s supposed to hurt. He’s beginning to think he can’t feel anything.

Of course, he gets reminded about how stupid that thought is at a charity benefit. He wears Hugo Boss, because Armani just seems a little too much, and he doesn’t think beyond that. Until the press puts him together with Sebastian, because of who they are, and the fact that they’re both in the same designer, because Sebastian did ads for them, and Chris should have remembered that. Should have remembered anything that would keep this from happening.

But, again, Chris is a good actor. He can put on the persona like a costume and, even if it doesn’t fit quite right anymore, it does still fit. Looser around the chest and shoulders now that he doesn't have to be Captain America. 

As they walk off the carpet, done posing and smiling, Sebastian bumps his shoulder against Chris’s. “Hey.”

He smiles and it’s probably the realest thing he’s done in a long time. “Hey.”

“Haven’t seen you around.”

“I’ve been. Around.” Chris shrugs. “Moving in different circles these days, I guess.”

“Or avoiding me.”

“I don’t have any reason to avoid you.” He smiles as people say hi, shaking hands and waving. Making it all look natura. “We’re friends, right?” He sees Robert and heads over to him, because Robert always makes things easier. Robert also knows, because he can see people’s fuck-ups through the eyes of his own, and he’s a good buffer at keeping everything on the surface.

Sebastian comes with him, because of course he does. They’re friends. He and Robert are friends. Robert grins at them both and hugs Sebastian before he pulls Chris close. “You okay?” He whispers.

“Always.” Chris slaps him on the back and pulls away, smiling because he’s with old friends. Good friends. It’s easier to ignore the looks Sebastian gives him when other people distract him, easy to ignore the pull in his gut. The knot’s there again. In his chest. He thought maybe it had gotten so tight it had folded in on itself like some sort of black hole and wouldn’t be there anymore. He’d gotten used to breathing again.

There’s champagne and liquor, but Chris sticks to beer. It’s safer. He can handle beer. Handle himself. It gets late, and he knows he’s put in enough of an appearance. He can go now. Go home and curl up with Dodger and pretend he’s not a complete mess of a human being. Dodger might think he is, but he never shows it. Chris’ll take it.

**

Sebastian’s in Chris’s Town Car, sitting silently when Chris gets in. Chris sighs. “I thought you came with a date.”

“No.” 

Chris nods as they car drives off toward where Chris’s car is waiting. He hates driving in L.A., but it’s better than letting his house be part of Hollywood. It’s supposed to be his quiet space, even if it’s in a neighborhood that screams Hollywood celebrity. Still Chris - Chris’s people - pay a mortgage so at least it’s real in that sense of the word. He could have bought it outright. Probably should have.

Chris wants to seem real, even if he’s not. 

Sebastian slides in the passenger seat. Chris sighs and starts the car, apologizing for the dog hair that’s settling on Sebastian’s suit. “I’ll get it dry cleaned for you.”

“No, you won’t.” Sebastian speaks softly. Chris doesn’t shiver, but only because he stops himself. He hasn’t been on the receiving end of that tone of voice for a long time. 

Chris parks and leads the way inside. Dodger runs over to him then stops when he sees Sebastian. They know each other. Knew, but Dodger doesn’t forget. He gives Sebastian an enthusiastic greeting, leaving behind more dog hair, but Sebastian laughs and scratches behind Dodger’s ears until he’s wriggling on the floor in delight, his tail swinging back and forth.

Chris walks over and opens the back door and whistles and Dodger bolts toward him, past him, and out into the yard. Chris stands there and watches. It’s easier than focusing on the fact that Sebastian’s here, behind him. Dodger jumps and runs, going to the bathroom and then sniffing the yard, making sure no one else has claimed his property in the five hours Chris was gone. Chris smiles, because he loves his damned dog so fucking much. Because Dodger’s simple joy is infectious, even to Chris, even around the tightness in his chest. 

“You are.” Sebastian walks up behind him and rests his hands on Chris’s hips. He presses closer, not quite touching, but his breath fans on Chris’s neck, stirring his longer hair. “Avoiding me.”

“Avoiding implies actively trying not to run into you. Like I said. We move in different circles these days.” He doesn’t lean back. Doesn’t let himself. Won’t let himself. “I saw you tonight. I went even though I knew I’d see you tonight.”

“I wasn’t turning you down.”

“You weren’t happy to see me.”

“I was surprised.”

“Not pleasantly.” Chris shrugs. “It’s fine. I told you then, it was fine.”

“You’re a terrible liar.” Sebastian steps closer, hands sliding around Chris’s waist, lips against his neck. “I’ve missed you. Fuck, I’ve missed you.”

Chris shivers and lets himself relax against Sebastian. “I’ve been here the whole time.”

“Didn’t think you wanted to see me.” Sebastian nuzzles the hollow beneath Chris’s ear. “I don’t know. I was afraid to find out.”

“What made you change your mind?”

He kisses the hollow and then down Chris’s neck. “You looked like I felt. Like you couldn’t breathe until we were next to each other.” Chris’s breath can’t make it out of his chest, imitating what Sebastian said, what Chris has felt. “I’ve forgotten what it’s like, Chris. To breathe.”

Dodger comes charging past them, back into the house. He attacks his bone, shaking his head wildly and sending it skittering across the floor. Chris closes the sliding glass door, closes the blinds. Sebastian relaxes his hold, but doesn’t let go. Like he’s afraid Chris might bolt.

Chris turns, letting Sebastian’s hand trail against his body, not wanting to move away from the touch. They’re eye to eye until Sebastian drops his gaze down to Chris’s mouth. Chris’s lips part slightly, but he doesn’t do anything else to invite something. He can’t move forward, can’t make himself move any more.

“I’m going to kiss you.”

“That’s what you said the first time.” He thinks about the first time and fire dances through his blood. Sebastian had been the first - only - guy he’d been with. He’d taken his time and driven Chris out of his mind by the end of the night. Had kept him riding the cusp of orgasm until he’d begged Sebastian to fuck him. And then he had, slow and hard and perfect.

“I didn’t lie.” He closes the small gap between them and brushes his mouth over Chris’s. “Not lying now.” The words buzz against Chris’s lips until Sebastian’s kissing him, tongue pushing and licking into Chris’s mouth, warm and wet and the thrill of want he hasn’t let himself feel in ages floods through him.

He moans into Sebastian’s mouth, the sound breaking on a sob. He hates how much he wants this, needs it. Hates being weak and vulnerable. Sebastian doesn’t care. He holds Chris’s head and moves him where he wants him, angling the kisses again and again until Chris feels like he can’t move without Sebastian’s hands controlling him. Owning him.

He breaks off a kiss and tilts Chris’s head to the side, licking and sucking his way down Chris’s throat. “Jesus, Chris. Fuck, love the way you taste.”

Chris closes his eyes and his head falls back. Sebastian kisses his way down to the notch at the base of Chris’s throat, fingers tugging the tie and unbuttoning Chris’s shirt so he can get to the sensitive skin. Chris slides his hands up the back of Sebastian’s shirt, rubbing up to his shoulder blades and then down, tugging it free of his slacks. 

Chris’s hands slip beneath it, move over Sebastian’s warm skin. Sebastian groans against Chris’s throat and his fingers unbuttoning Chris’s shirt pause briefly. Touching Sebastian is like a drug, one Chris can’t get enough of, one he’s addicted to. Sebastian’s breathing roughly as he finally gets Chris’s shirt undone, forcing Chris’s hands away from him as he pushes it off of him. 

Sebastian’s hands slide up Chris’s arms, over his shoulders and down his chest. He gets one hand on each of Chris’s hips, thumbs rubbing the sensitive skin beneath the cut of muscle. Chris uses his distraction to undo Sebastian’s shirt enough to pull it over his head even though he hates the loss of his touch. Fortunately Sebastian’s hands go right back to Chris’s waist.

The last few times have been quick, hard fucks. Too few moments to be together, too long between of needing each other. Of Chris needing Sebastian. He’s not sure he knows or if he’ll ever believe it goes both ways.

He shakes his head and kisses Sebastian, hands on his back, sliding over Sebastian’s slacks to palm the curve of his ass, to squeeze it, to feel the give of flesh over muscle. Sebastian’s breath stutters against Chris’s skin and he copies Chris, cupping Chris’s ass in his hands for a brief moment before he reaches around to undo Chris’s belt. Chris bats his hands away and undoes the belt and his slacks himself. Sebastian watches for a moment before he works on his own, pushing everything down to the floor. He moves into Chris again and pushes his slacks down. 

He looks up at Chris as he sinks to his knees, guiding the fabric down to Chris’s feet. He nudges his nose against the base of Chris’s cock, his breath fanning the dark hair. He pulls back, never looking away from Chris’s eyes, and licks the head, his tongue sticking out so Chris can see the glint of pre-come on it. 

Chris’s breath shudders out of him, and it’s nearly impossible to inhale as Sebastian takes him deep. He grabs Sebastian’s shoulders and digs his fingers in. He knows Sebastian is still watching, but Chris lets his head drop back, loses himself in the sensation. He’s had blow jobs and hand jobs and sex since Sebastian, but nothing has felt like this - this hot, this tight, this wet, this perfect. Whether that’s true or all in his head doesn’t matter. This is all those things and more. It’s Sebastian’s hands holding Chris’s ass as he sucks him down, mouth making wet and hungry sounds. It’s one of Chris’s hands running through Sebastian’s hair and leaving furrows in the styled strands. It’s the other at the nape of Sebastian’s neck, not guiding but not letting go.

He knows it won’t take long, because it’s Sebastian. Because he’s got an amazing mouth and because he’s _Sebastian_. When Chris looks down at him, Sebastian’s cheeks are hollowed out and he’s focused on the head of Chris’s cock, sucking tight as his tongue holds Chris against the roof of his mouth, not letting him move until Chris’s whole body shakes and Sebastian’s sucking him down, swallowing him and taking Chris deeper like he can’t get enough.

He pulls off just before Chris has to push him away, just before it’s too much and his legs give out. He takes his time, letting Chris’s cock slide out of his mouth slowly, wet and soft and not sexy, but somehow the way Sebastian’s looking at him makes it seem like it turns Sebastian on. 

With a quick roll back to the balls of his feet, Sebastian stands up and crowds against Chris. It’s good to have something to lean on, because Chris is unsteady, always unsteady around Sebastian. “Come to bed, Chris.”

Chris nods, because it’s what he wants, but also because he won’t say no to Sebastian. He’s not sure he can. He doesn’t want to. Hasn’t ever wanted to. Sebastian takes his hand and leads them to Chris’s bedroom, pushing him onto the bed and then pulling off his socks, stripping out of his own. They’d fucked once with their socks on, both of them freezing on location, but not enough to keep their hands off each other. They’d been in costume so they’d had to strip off a lot of what they were wearing, shivering and grinding and breathing into each other’s necks to try to stay somewhat warm.

Sebastian gives Chris a smile like he’s thinking the same thing, then he puts a knee on the bed and crawls up between Chris’s spread legs. He bites the inside of Chris’s thigh and Chris jumps slightly. He can’t look away from Sebastian’s gaze as he runs his tongue over the bite. “Tell me what you want.”

This is the game they play, even though Sebastian knows that Chris doesn’t have words for what he wants. How dirty talk isn’t something he’s good at. How what and how much he wants makes Chris flush with embarrassment. He can’t get away with ‘you’ or ‘please’. He has to feel the twist in his gut when he says it. Has to see the heat that clouds Sebastian’s eyes when Chris says the words.

“Fuck me.”

Sebastian kisses him as Chris reaches for the lube and condoms. Sebastian pulls back and takes them both from him, Chris can only imagine how wide his pupils are as he watches Sebastian roll on the condom. He can only guess his eyes are as black as Sebastian’s, dark with lust and whatever this is between them if there is something. There has to be something, doesn’t there? 

“Turn over. On your knees.”

Chris sits up and turns over like he’s told, elbows on the bed and head bowed. Sebastian runs his hand from Chris’s neck down to his ass, rubbing his thumb along the cleft at the base of his tailbone. Chris shivers as Sebastian leans forward, planting a kiss at the center of Chris’s spine. 

He hears the click of the cap, and then there’s the slippery cool sensation of the lube drizzling down onto him, seeping down the crack of his ass. Chris clenches his body and Sebastian laughs, voice low and rough. “Don’t worry. Know you like it messy.” He lets more lube trickle down before the bottle clicks closed again.

Chris arches his back, pushing his ass up higher. Sebastian knows what he likes - Sebastian’s practically taught him what he likes - and the thought is one that always pushes Chris closer to the edge when he lets himself think about it, about this. The fact that Sebastian pushes every button, set the traps and triggers of Chris’s need all by himself.

One of Sebastian’s hands settles on Chris’s ass, pulling one cheek to the side to open Chris up. His thumb digs in just slightly and then the fingers of his other hand slide up and down from Chris’s tailbone to his balls. It’s barely there at first, more the suggestion of a touch, but Sebastian doesn’t stop, the pressure getting harder and harder, the edge of pain catching in Chris’s chest as Sebastian lets a nail scrape across Chris’s hole.

“Look at you.” Sebastian’s voice is hoarse, like he’s been doing more than teasing Chris. He rubs his fingertips over the furled skin before slowly pushing a finger in up to the first knuckle. Chris tightens around him because it’s been so long and it’s so tight, muscles contracting like he’s trying to pull him deeper. Sebastian hums low in his chest and moves his finger, rubbing the sensitive inner skin before he pushes deeper. Chris sucks in a shaky breath and rocks back. 

Sebastian hums again, sounding pleased, and then he pulls his finger back, pushing it in again over and over until Chris is breathing hard. “More.”

Sebastian works a second finger in wordlessly, and Chris moans. He loves the stretch, loves the thought of Sebastian watching himself as he opens Chris up. His fingers thrust and spread, curving and stroking, lighting up Chris’s nerve endings. The heaviness of his cock is hazy, lost in the back of his mind somewhere, as he focuses on Sebastian’s fingers, until the hard push of two gives way to three.

Chris’s hips move instinctively, rolling back so he can take Sebastian deeper, thrusting forward and seeking friction he can’t find. He’s gasping, barely breathing, and even the click and slickness of more lube doesn’t really penetrate until Sebastian pushes a fourth finger inside him.

“Ohgodohgodohgod.” The words fall out of Chris’s mouth like a prayer, like a plea. Sebastian’s chuckle fans against Chris’s lower back. He can’t help shivering and he keeps trying to take Sebastian’s fingers deeper, trying to get Sebastian’s fingers to rub against his prostate and light up Chris’s spine.

Instead Sebastian pulls his fingers out slowly, the wet and indecent noise almost covered by Chris’s soft cry. He hears the lube again and then Sebastian’s holding his ass apart, the hard jut of his cock against Chris’s hole. Once he’s pressed there, he moves his other hand to help spread Chris wider and then he slides in, slow enough that Chris feels like a sob is going to rip through his chest.

Sebastian wants him to beg, and Chris is more than happy to do it.

“Please. Please. Please, fuck me. Need it. Need you. Please, Sebastian. Pl-please.” Sebastian fills him up and stills, just for a moment, buried deep inside Chris’s ass. It’s too much and not enough and Chris wants this so fucking much it hurts. Finally, hands clutching tight to his sheets, Chris does sob. “Please. Oh god, please.”

Sebastian starts moving, done taking his time. He fucks into Chris hard, deep. His hips slam against him, and Chris moans with every contact, tries to push back, take Sebastian harder. Sebastian wraps his arms around Chris’s waist and pulls him closer as Sebastian leans back onto his heels. Chris goes, arching into Sebastian as his chest meets Chris’s back, as more of them touches. 

Chris keeps moving, rolling his hips, using the muscles of his thighs to rock up and down onto Sebastian’s cock. Sebastian trails his fingers up Chris’s abs, over his rib cage, and then flattens his palms on Chris’s chest. Chris realizes it in the second before it happens, but it’s not enough to brace himself against the sharp pinch of Sebastian’s fingers, the dig of his short nails into the hardened flesh of Chris’s nipples. He arches more, up into Sebastian’s hands, grinding down on his lap. Chris’s head is on Sebastian’s chest, his breath hot on Sebastian’s neck. 

“So fucking pretty on my cock.” Sebastian turns his head and whispers the words into Chris’s damp hair. “Jesus, Chris.” He grips Chris’s head and turns it slightly, licking past Chris’s parted lips, capturing him in a kiss, capturing every sharp pant of Chris’s breath in his mouth. 

Chris can’t stop moving. His thighs ache and burn, but he keeps rising up and sinking down on Sebastian’s dick. He needs it deeper, harder. He wants Sebastian to pull him apart by the nerve endings, leaving him flayed open. Sebastian breaks the kiss and guides Chris back to his hands and knees before pressing one hand on the back of Chris’s neck and holding him to the bed. His other hand tightens on Chris’s hip and then Sebastian is _fucking_ him. Hard and deep and fast and breaking down every wall and defense and protection Chris has.

Chris comes again without realizing Sebastian had moved his hand from Chris’s hip to his dick and then Sebastian’s pulling out, pulling off the condom and pushing Chris flat on the bed and coming all over Chris’s back and ass, hot and wet.

**

Chris lies there unmoving as Sebastian cleans him up, the washcloth warm on his bare skin. He rolls Chris over and cleans up his stomach and cock as well. Chris blinks, smiling slightly at what he thinks is affection in Sebastian’s eyes. “Thanks.” He looks away because he’s still vulnerable - more vulnerable - and it will take him a while to hide himself away again.

Sebastian taps Chris’s forehead. ”What’s going on in there?”

“Nothing much. Somebody fucked my brains out.” He smiles again and Sebastian just shakes his head, but he’s smiling. Chris is okay as long as he’s smiling. If he leaves smiling. But that’s a lie, because Chris is never okay when he leaves. More good acting, because Sebastian thinks they both got what they wanted, they both walk away satisfied. And he does, and he is. But he’s not, and that’s not going to change.

“Shove over.”

“What?” Chris yawns wide, shaking his head. “What?”

“It’s late, I’m tired, you get the wet spot.”

“It’s my bed.”

“You _made_ the wet spot.”

Chris wriggles and pushes the comforter to the end of the bed, making soft little sounds as he feels the stretch of Sebastian having opened him up, the pressure from Sebastian’s hips pounding against his ass. “There. No wet spot.”

“So shove over.” Sebastian tugs the rest of the sheets down and crawls into the bed. This feels different, new. They’ve ended up sleeping in the same bed, but never deliberately. Usually too wiped out to move. This is Sebastian. Climbing into bed with him. He settles in on his side, looking at Chris. Chris turns just enough to meet his gaze in the hazy glints of the street light. “Do you do this with everyone?”

“Do what?” Chris isn’t sure why he’s whispering, but somehow it suits the night, the question.

“Rip yourself open and show everyone all the soft places inside you, your heart.” Chris immediately looks away. He hates when people see him, even as much as he wants them to, wants them to see _him_. Sebastian murmurs a soft chorus of ‘no’s and lifts Chris’s chin so they’re looking at each other again. 

“Maybe I’m hoping the crows will pick me over.”

“No. I think you do it for me. Just for me. I think that’s mine. All the soft places are mine, aren’t they?” Sebastian doesn’t look away, won’t let Chris. “You were born in the wrong time. You should have been a knight. Pretending it’s some maiden’s heart you were wearing on your sleeve instead of your own.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He does and he doesn’t. All he knows is that panic is welling up in his chest, burning and cold all at once. “We should get some sleep.”

Sebastian tilts his head and kisses Chris softly. “What do you want, Chris?”

“I can’t have what I want.”

Sebastian kisses him again and pulls back, expression sad. “You underestimate yourself.” He presses a finger against Chris’s lips as he starts to say something. “And you underestimate me.” Chris tilts his head, unsure of what Sebastian means. Sebastian’s finger doesn’t stop him from talking, but he honestly can’t think of anything to say. He’s never underestimated Sebastian. Never could. 

Sebastian kisses him again, longer this time, deeper. Chris shivers and tries to move closer. It’s edging closer toward dawn, and Chris has read enough fairy tales to know that nothing good lasts beyond the dark.


End file.
